I have been away...

I know it has been a long time, again, since I have wrote anything. This time I kept away because I have a lot to say and don't know if even writing it in this blog will help me make sense of it. Right now, I should be working on my "statement of purpose" for graduate school. I don't really know how to answer the question of, what is my purpose, so I write here instead... maybe it will help.

As you know, I finished treatment on Christmas Eve. It was the best day of my life, minus the heparin and saline flushes! I was so overwhelmed with emotion it was unbelievable. Even as I sit here right now writing I cry thinking about that day. I had an early treatment that went flawlessly. Everything was on time, my counts were perfect, my nurse wonderful, and my biggest supporters (mom and dad) were there! We had lunch and went home to celebrate Christmas. I know I have avoided direct references to my personal faith experience on this blog but I must take a moment to acknowledge it...

I attended the children's mass Christmas eve with my family because we figured, the earlier the better for me! While at mass I just cried. It was incredible. I was at peace. Somewhere my heart got lost on this journey and it was such a moving experience to get it back I could hardly make sense of it. Honestly, I sobbed through the whole mass... my mom hardly cried and I did... this is a very rare occurrence for us!! The mass celebration was beautiful, the homily, the children performing imperfectly perfectly, and just remembering that we all came into the world just the same as Jesus and nothing we will be handed is ever as difficult as the fate He was given. It opened my eyes. Now, before you stop reading... this is not about evangelization simply an experience I had. A mere reminder that there is a reason I am here and that God was with me and is with me everyday of my life.

So, after the most tearful experience of my life, I had an amazing surf and turf Christmas dinner with my immediate family. I couldn't say this to them sitting at the dinner table because the water works would have begun again, but all of them being there with me that night was amazing. I know my sister was there too. We ate and laughed and they drank and Adam drank my chocolate milk and we had cheesecake and we opened Christmas gifts and it was good. So I am sure now you are wondering well what did you do on Christmas if you did this all Christmas Eve, which I had renamed "last treatment day celebration". Well, I took three naps and rested and did a lot of nothing in my pajamas all day... the best way to spend Christmas!

A few days after Christmas and treatment I was off and on my way to Virginia for my college roommate, Stephanie's wedding! She married her college sweetheart and great man, Richard on December 30, and I was lucky enough to be apart of it. I had a great time at the wedding and being in Virginia and running around and getting all dressed up! I will admit it was exhausting, a good number of the people there knew my story and could not believe how with it and healthy I seemed. I can admit now, I am a pretty good faker. I am sorry to admit that but must come clean. A lot of the time I was exhausted but I have taken on the attitude to sleep when I am dead, and so I did my best!

I was able to stick around Virginia with the newly-weds for New Years. I joined them and their families for dinner at a very nice restaurant in Alexandria and went on the main street there to shout Happy New Year at passerby's. I am happy it is 2009. It came so fast. I am happy to stop living my life from Thursday to Thursday!

I got back home from Virginia in one piece and needed time to rest! So I did that. I slept a bunch and recovered and got myself ready to head back to Orlando. I did take a wonderful time out to go to St. Augustine with my Nagymama (grandma) and tour the city. I had been once when I was really little so I didn't remember it, we had a great time. We were able to go to Saturday mass at the oldest Catholic Church in the United States. My Nagymama was in awe, the Bishop said the mass and we remembered my sister, Andrea, who passed 12 years ago that day.

So I came back to Orlando, all in one exhausted piece as I prepare for my next adventure. I leave on Thursday for another wedding but this time in Louisiana. Two friends of mine from camp, Josh and Elaine are getting married on Friday! Unfortunately, this trip will be much shorter then my Virginia visit because... drum roll please... I start my final internship on MONDAY!! I cannot wait!!!

All of these things I am now able to write about seemed like they would never come. I remember early on setting my sights on New Years and now that it has come and passed I have new goals. I have a new attitude. I have a new chance at living. Over the past few months someone asked me to explain how the experience was making me feel. To share with them a look inside of my reality. For those of you who know me well, you know that the music I listen to is really key to understanding what I am thinking/feeling/experiencing/going through. So... I put together a mini playlist for you- for a glimpse into my past seven months... 

Viva la Vida By: Coldplay- This was the first song I listened to after I was diagnosed. I knew I would triumph over this. That is how this song made me feel.

Round Here By: Counting Crows- There is something eerie about this song that I like. I could relate to this early on.

More Time by NeedtoBreathe- At first, I just wanted more time to explain myself to understand what was going on with me to understand me but everything came at me so fast.

Slow Me Down By Emmy Rossum- Once the ball began rolling with appointments and tests and bad news I felt like it did not stop for a while. I played this song full blast most days just to escape my head.

Stop This Train By: John Mayer- I think we can all say we wanted to stop “this” train and get off somewhere else. For me, anywhere would have been fine most days going through treatment.

Unwell By: Matchbox 20- Embarrassingly enough, the words to this song should have spoken on my behalf about halfway through treatment.

The World Spins Madly On By: The Weepies- I hit rock bottom. All I could think is the world is just spinning. That is all that was worth thinking about.

Stay or Leave By Dave Matthews Band- I was at the bottom and I was brining others down with me. So I let them go. This song is beautiful. This song hurts because it is the truth. It makes me cry.

Another Me By Sister Hazel- I hurt for a good while, from treatment from confusion from not feeling well and then it clicked... I have to get my crap together and so I did. I found another me. A new and improved me... I like this me :) *not on playlist*

Float On By Modest Mouse- Towards the end I stopped resisting everything and swimming against the current so to speak and just started to let my life be lived. Good. Bad. Otherwise. In a way, I stopped thinking and started living again.

I made a playlist so you can listen to these songs if you would like. Word of warning to the faint of heart, some of these songs are not happy. I will be honest, I went with the most PC songs I could off of my list of about fifty... Enjoy...

• Got to www.seeqpod.com
  
• Login: ashdee@blog.com
• Password: ashdee123
• Click on the drop down box under the volume control
• Click "Blog Playlist"
• Click on the first song and enjoy!

Thank you for checking in... I will write again soon but next time about my students and after treatment progress!! I hope you have a wonderful New Year!!

Thankfully Yours,

Ashlee